Entry tags:

fan: veronica mars

Fic: Let There Be Morning (Cassidy, Mac) PG-13
Title: Let There Be Morning
Author: 15north/Rachel
Characters/Pairings: Cassidy, Mac (C/M), Veronica, Weevil, Logan. Dick mention.
Word Count: 1,579
Rating: PG-13
Summary: He tries to tell himself to stop, but then she lightly bumps her shoulder into his and he knows right away that he'll never be the same again.
Spoilers/Warnings: 2.22; dark themes, character death, allusions to rape and molestation.
Notes: Written for cassidy_day. This is completely canon so, I'm afraid, there is no real happy ending. Thanks to vkitty for reading this over for me and assuring me that it wasn't horrible and for the title suggestion (song by The Perishers).

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He falls for her that night at the cafe and he knows that he's getting way too attached. She looks at him and smiles, giggling all the while, and he just can't help it. She's almost perfect and he's too broken. It would never work, but in that moment she's beautiful so he smiles back and ducks his head away. He tries to tell himself to stop, but then she lightly bumps her shoulder into his and he knows right away that he'll never be the same again.

He kisses her on their second date and he doesn't even realize that he's him until she pulls away and smiles. It all comes crashing back so he kisses her again. He knows that he shouldn't, but it's nice to be someone else for a few seconds. He justifies it by thinking that that person kissing her is who he would be if they had met earlier anyway. She doesn't pull away again until her phone rings and he thinks that it's the moment he really falls in love with her.

The kisses get more intense a month later and he's okay until suddenly her body is way too close and he can't touch her or breathe anymore. He pulls away and places his hands in pockets, keeping them away from her. He's almost scared that he'll hurt her. He tries ignore the pain evident in her eyes and tells himself that he's doing this for her.

He starts making excuses to not touch her during their second month of dating. He doesn't want to hurt her so he still tries to do anything he can to make her smile. She does when he shows up at her house, one weekend that her parents are at some sort of convention, with five of her favorite movies. He tries not to be too disappointed when the closest she gets to him is when she lays her head on his shoulder for a few seconds. She seems to remember the fact that they have some sort of unspoken agreement for no touching and she moves to the other end of the couch quickly after.

He kisses her for the first time in a month a week before the Sadie Hawkins dance. She just smiles and nods when he apologizes for his "stupidity" and he doesn't move away when one of her hands play with the hem of his t-shirt.

The excuses start again the night of the dance when she wants the two of them to go to his house. He says something about Dick being around, something that he knows is completely false and she tries to argue that they could stay in his room and he almost chokes. She kisses him and it's different this time. He needs this more than she does, but, when he feels her need in it, he has to walk away. She can't be attached. He's already attached enough for the both of them.

He knows that it's happening before she even asks him if it's her. He makes a joke about it really being the school food, but it falls flat and he knows that it's the end when her eyes don't even flicker a little. When she mentions who she's been talking to about it, he knows that he can't keep it up. He can't help the feeling of wanting to tell her that it really is him, but he knows that he can't. She's already gotten too close. He knows that the words are going to come out of his mouth before he even stands up and, when he walks away, he walks as fast as he can into the school before he can look back.

He hears a lot of girls talking about the Alterna-Prom the day after it and he tries not to feel bad when he hears that she went with a date. He hopes that she's happy, even though there's a part of him that knows that she wouldn't really start dating this soon. He sees her standing at her locker after his English class and almost walks up to her to finish what he started that day at the cafe, but he can't when he sees Veronica walk up to her. He's already messed up enough. If he lets her in again, he definitely won't last as long.

He's in the Math room with her and Weevil when he realizes that she will definitely be the end of him and for a moment he doesn't even care. For a moment he just enjoys being near her again, despite the fact that her attention is solely on helping someone pass a test. Still, she's kind of helping him at the same time and he can't help but feel a little more adoration for her in that moment. He doesn't mean to start arguing with her, flirting as Weevil so eloquently puts it, and soon he takes Weevil's advice and asks to talk to her. Then he's kissing her and his plan, even though he's been reckless with it, is forgotten.

He rents the room only after asking her, knowing that it's actually possible that he can live without fear again, and he makes sure to flaunt his name when he asks for a nice one. For once he's not afraid to touch her or let her touch him and, for the first time since he was nine, he's almost care free. At the last second he packs the thing that he really hopes that he won't have to use and knows that he's not good enough with anyway. He forces himself to believe that it is strictly for safety purposes.

He claps for her when she walks across the stage that night and he actually laughs when his brother does the same. He doesn't last too long at the party and assures her that he's no longer afraid. He doesn't think about what he's telling her when he takes her hand and walks towards the elevator with her.

His shirt is the first thing that comes off and then suddenly he's helping her lift her dress over her head while tracing her lips with his tongue and pulling her back towards the bed. It's the farthest they've ever been, farther even than he's ever been and he revels in the feel of her skin against his as they fall back onto the bed. Things are fine until her fingers gently start to unbutton the button on his jeans and suddenly he's gently telling her to stop and closing his eyes. She doesn't ask him if it's her and for once he wishes that she would. He wants to tell her that he can't because he just remembered that he's dirty and that she can't be dirty too. He wants her to understand so he tells her that he just doesn't feel well and then she's telling him that they can go back to the party as soon as she takes a shower.

It's only been a few minutes since she went to the bathroom when her phone vibrates on the table and he can't help but feel that it's something that he really needs to read. He can feel it all coming to surface as he reads the message and he almost prays that she's not the reason that he's going to have to do this. This was the one part of his plan that he never wanted to have to experience. He has to make up a few steps along the way since she was nowhere around when he made it and suddenly he's walking into the bathroom and picking up all of her things and taking anything that could get in the way with him. He leaves everything in a stairway on his way to the roof and forces himself breathe when the wind hits his face.

He feeds some line to Veronica about him leaving her in a better place and it almost makes him sick to think of actually doing something like that to her. He surprises himself when he tells Veronica that she really should roll off of the roof because he doesn't want her DNA all over his shirt. Suddenly he's too afraid to not end the night himself and, when Logan storms onto the roof, he doesn't think before shooting at him. Dick's face enters his mind, but he forces it down and shoots at him again. When Logan tackles him to the roofs floor and Veronica is holding the gun, he knows that it's completely over. There's a part of him that is relieved that Veronica never once mentioned her as the reason that she figured it out and he's suddenly ready to finish everything.

He waits until Logan realizes that he's at the ledge of the roof before he tries to actually jump. When he asks him why he shouldn't, he's not surprised when he doesn't get an answer. He thinks that that, hopefully, is the last pain he'll ever have to experience as he steps backward. He falls faster than he imagined he would and he thinks that he's really the person that he would have been and he's just having a terrible nightmare. Before he falls unconscious he thinks of her and what she would look like if he woke up to her cuddled into him. He just barely feels the smile tugging at the corner of his mouth before he sees her face once more and then nothing.

Fin.